That wasn’t right. I’ve been drinking. Just a little bit, don’t worry about it.
Let’s start over.
I meant to say Ooohhhhmmmm… meditation! The tool of the truly enlightened and supremely hashtag woke.
From the lowliest Instagram Life Coach posting totally-not-staged photos of themselves meditating amongst scenic vistas (don’t forget the inspirational hashtags!), to the Fedora wearingest armchair occultist pretending to contact Goetic entities; meditation will be one of, if not the, the most important building blocks for all of your future esoteric endeavors.
Let’s get this show on the road:
Step One: Relax
First, get into a comfortable position. I personally enjoy lying down on my back with my head on a pillow. Many people suggest sitting up on the floor or in a chair with your back straight. Do whatever feels right for you. You do not need to sit in the Lotus Position like some cartoon stereotype, but you can if you’d like… but everybody will judge and laugh at you. I know I will.Step Two: Breathe
We’ll begin with a couple of basic Breathing methods. Choose whatever works best for you.Square Breathing
This one is my favorite, and it’s very simple. It has the added advantage of helping you keep your mind from wandering.
Step 1) Breathe in while counting to 4.
Step 2) Hold while counting to 4.
Step 3) Exhale while counting to 4.
Step 4) Hold while counting to 4.
Step 5) Repeat steps 1-4.
Do this exercise either for a pre-selected period of time using a quiet timer, or see how long you can go.
The number that you count to is not important. You can just as easily use counts of 2, 3, 6, or whatever else you want. Just keep them all the same… like the sides of a square. Hence the name Square Breathing.
Counting Backwards from 100, 50, 25
This is another one that helps keep your mind from wandering through light concentration on counting.Start out in a relaxed position and begin counting backwards from 100 (or whatever other number you choose) in your head. When you get to 0, simply try concentrating on your breathing.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Repeat.
You’re doing it! Now don’t get overly excited and fall off of your bike. Just keep concentrating on your breath.
Step 3: If You Mantra Body and You Something, Something
You can add a mantra if you’d like. I find that it helps me remain focused.Pick whatever you’d like. A gibberish sound or a pre-selected phrase, just try to stick to something positive.
Say your phrase either quietly or in your mind as you inhale. Let go of whatever thoughts come to you as you exhale. Repeat.
Step 4: Where is Your Mind?
When you’re first starting out, your mind may wander despite your best efforts. If this happens, simply acknowledge the thought and let it go. Do it gently. Don’t force it.See how long you can keep it up! Set a timer. Start easy and see how high you can work up to.
Congratulations!
You’ve just taken your first step into a new world!Appropriate, but non-essential meditation attire includes spandex/yoga pants for women. If you’re a guy, make sure you have your man bun firmly in place, if applicable. If you don’t have a man bun, you can always order one from Amazon.
I’m not going to lie to you, it’s going to take a bit of practice to get good at this. Fear not! I sort of believe in you. A little bit.
What Can You Do With Meditation?
When you’re really advanced, you can begin posting photos to Instagram of you calmly meditating in the middle of a closed down New York City street, scenic vista, or whatever you think screams, “Pay attention to me!” in the way that will get you the most internet points possible.But first…
You’ll have to attain enlightenment and expertise. Don’t worry, it shouldn’t take more than one session of 3-4 minutes! After you’ve put in that work, you can proceed to dole out advice and argue with others on Reddit (or the social media platform of your choice) to your heart’s content!
Or you could use it to help keep yourself centered, improve your focus and concentration, or to help you further your occult practices. But let’s face it, arguing with strangers on the internet is much easier and emotionally stimulating.
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